GIRL IS BOY

Lee Cyphers

“Mom, I’m going to my first hormone replacement therapy appointment this Wednesday. I’m going to start taking testosterone.”

Lisa was silent for a moment, processing the words she had just heard through her cell phone. This was not what she was expecting to hear from her younger child during their weekly phone call. “R...really? Wow...this Wednesday?”

“Yup. My therapist got me the number of a nurse practitioner who takes our insurance and she said I might be able to walk out of there with a prescription the same day!”

“Wow, Lee. I...that’s very quick. I thought you said you wanted to take this process slowly?”

“Well, yeah, I mean, I kind of feel like I have been. Do you think I’m moving too fast?”

Lisa thought carefully about how to respond. “Well, I don’t know. I can’t say for sure, and of course you’re an adult, and you have to make your own decisions. It just feels like you haven’t been doing this for very long. I was thinking it might be more like a year before you started doing any of the physical stuff.” Lisa heard silence for a moment on the other end. Oh, no. Had she said something wrong? She knew if she gave the wrong impression she could deeply upset her child. But just when she was about to apologize, she heard Lee start speaking again.

“Hmm. Ok. That’s fair, but it’s been four months since I came out to you and Dad and three months since I came out to the rest of the world. I’ve been talking about this stuff in therapy for over a year and I’ve only felt better with every step I’ve taken, and feeling more and more sure that this is the right decision for me.”

“Yeah, I know, honey,” Lisa said, “and I’m so proud of you. And I believe you, I believe that this is what’s been going on with you. I just, I don’t know. This is a really big step, you know?” It was one thing to start calling her only daughter ‘he.’ She could let go of those beautiful fantasies of the perfect mother-daughter relationship pretty easily once she realized it was the best thing for the actual relationship. But it was another thing entirely to stand by and watch as her youngest child made permanent, life-altering medical decisions at age 19, based on something that, frankly, the medical community hadn’t known much about until the past 15 years.

“I know, Mom. Believe me, I know this is big. I don’t take any of this lightly.” Lee’s voice was shaking slightly.

“Oh, honey, I know you do, I didn’t mean -”

“No, I know you didn’t, Mom. I’m sorry. I get it. This is a lot. Can I just ask you one thing?”

“Of course, baby. What is it?”

“And this is a real question, I’m not trying to trap you or make you feel bad or anything like that, I’m really asking this question and I genuinely want to know your answer because I think it would help me.”

“Go ahead, I promise I won’t be offended.”

Lee chuckled at that, and took a breath. “Just, why are you hesitant? Why do you think I should wait a year? What do you think that waiting will do for me?”

Wow. Her teenager was really calling her out. “Hmm...well, I guess...it just keeps coming back to the same thing. I’m afraid you might regret it. I trust you, and I believe you, but you’re so young. And young people can make some pretty stupid decisions. It’s not their fault and it doesn’t mean they are stupid, but it happens all the time.”

“Yeah, I know. I get that. I really do. And I’ve been thinking a lot about that. Something I’ve noticed, though, is that people will throw around that phrase: ‘kids make bad decisions,’ and use it to write off any decision a young person makes. And I don’t think that’s what it means. I’ve already made plenty of bad ‘young person’ decisions: I’ve said offensive things for no reason, I’ve put off big projects until the last minute, I’ve gotten some very questionable haircuts. But I’ve been thinking about this very long and very hard. I’ve examined it from every angle I could think of, and talked about it with you and Dad and multiple therapists and doctors. It just feels right, deep down, and no decision that I’ve come to regret has felt that way before. When you were young, did you ever make a big decision? Did you feel, like, to your core, that it was the right thing to do, and it still was a bad decision? Is that why you’re afraid for me to do this?”

Lisa thought about that one. Then, something dawned on her. “You know, I was 20 when I decided to marry your dad. His mom thought it was a terrible idea, but we both just knew it was the right thing for us. We had a feeling. It’s not the same thing, but I completely understand where you’re coming from. Wow. I never thought of it that way.”

“Yeah, exactly! That makes so much sense. Whoa, thank you Mom!”

“Yeah, it could have gone so badly, but we just trusted our instincts and it’s gotten us this far. Ok, well you’ve convinced me, I guess,” Lisa said, laughing. “Go, get your hormones. Do whatever you need to do to be happy.”

Lee laughed too. “Thank you, Mom. You really are the best.”

“Oh, I love you so much, Lee.”

“Love you, too.”